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maybe its time to talk?

Today is Time to talk day, a day where we try to get the nation to talk about Mental Health. A subject that is top of my list and prioritie in life.

We don’t realise that our mental health is actually the one thing that makes us unwell the most. We neglect our minds so much so that it then manifest itself in to our physical body making us unwell, only then do we believe our mental health is suffering due to our physical body suffering.

I’ve watched people I care about suffer terribly with their mental health, still to this day I watch with sadness how we as humans let ourselves suffer and cause our own suffering each day.

So I’ve decided to speak up about my own mental health.

Just over a year ago my marriage fell apart. It devastated me in more ways then I could imagine. I didn’t realise how much until I was at the pits of depression, anxiety and what felt like hell in my head. Its far from over its been an on going battle mentally to come to terms with what has happened and happening.

The self-blame I suffered crippled me, I’ve been over every inch of our relationship with a fine tooth comb. Trying desperately to find the catalyst for its decline. During this time a lot of what I found boiled down to myself. I can only take responsibility for my own actions in life. But this manifested deeper as I spiralled in to a very dark place. A place of self-hate, of no worth, of feeling like I wanted to end it all.

The only way I can and could describe it was like a wishing well. I was in there, in the dark with no ladder, trying at times to scramble out. At times I would tire and just rest in the dark. I had people come to the well, some would talk, others would listen, some would watch as I tried to climb out and others just sat at the top so I knew they were there. At times some of these people had a few rocks thrown in their direction as I desperately tried to get out of this dark place I found myself. I could always see the light though. At times I would hide from it then I would try to make it closer, I would fall, plummet down and the pain would hurt me to the core of my being, so id have to rest more. While I rested I started to build a ladder. The ladder isn’t finished it’s a bit rickety yet its enabled me to get out of the dark place but sometimes I go back, to keep building a more sturdy ladder. Its become a safe haven for me.

This isn’t the first time I have been in this place. When I was 25 I was diagnosed with hearing loss and Tinnitus. Yes that horrid ringing in your head that never stops. Its enough to drive any living thing mad. I plummeted then but in a different way I fixated on the “T” as most call it and I spend hour of my time and plenty of my money trying to find a cure. Nearly 5 years of my life fighting this internal noise that no one else can here. I was on groups and forums with people who were also suffering and in there suicide conversations were high on the list. Imagine never hearing silence ever again, its not nice and the despair you feel spirals you again in to depression and anxiety. You do the worse thing and lock yourself away, totally counter productive when in silence, all you here is noise.

I was always an avid exerciser since I was young. Swimming being my main thing but as I reach my 20s the gym had become my focus. My Mom, a very spiritual lady, one day said why don’t you try Yoga its supposed to help with things like Tinnitus. So I went to a class held at my gym. Like most I thought really this is going to help me? But I’m not a quitter so I kept going. Then I started to breath. I bet you all think WHAT we breath every day. I mean the connection of my breath and mind started and with it my body started to release. I was hooked. What is this I thought. I was only doing a class or two a week on top of my other training. I didn’t stop hearing the ringing, I just learnt to cope. And like the past year of my life id still have some horrid days where it consumed me.

Alas here I am today writing a Blog on my own website which is based on what has now become my life.

YOGA

But this blog isn’t and wasn’t intended to be about Yoga. Unfortunately Yoga has been the most amazing and at times the worse thing I’ve ever done. I can see your all shocked. Why you ask.

Yoga saved me in my 20s from a horrid disability the loss of silence. It taught me about connection of body and mind. When my tinnitus is bad I see it as my body screaming that I need to slow down and take time out. Yoga helped me with the stress and strain of this modern world that we live in. We live in such a beautiful place, earth, but we can all be so destructive in our actions as a race mainly towards ourselves. And that unfortunately is where yoga became my enemy. It opened me up. It made me reflect. It made me ask myself questions I would never imagined. But was it Yoga’s fault or is that the effects of stepping back, being mindful, being more connected to myself. In connecting more with myself it made me question my connection with others, my relationships, my friendships? I said it was a bad thing but maybe it’s a double edged sword that I presented to myself?

Everyone has issues, not one of us is perfect, we can blame ourselves or others for countless things in life but the only person we are responsible for is ourselves. Our own actions. No one was ever going to drag me out of my wishing well, tell me it will be ok and to get a grip. I have had to do that on my own. I will fall, I will fail, I will cry, I will scream, I will do whatever it takes to find my happy place as the only place it lies is in me. Not with people or with objects. I am the owner of my own happiness as are we all. But I have to feel it all, every ounce of emotion, hurt, anger, grief, denial, resentment. Whatever we feel we should not deny ourselves of it or push it deep inside to ignore it, feel all of it. But while doing this give yourself the one thing we think we don’t have. TIME.

Today I went for a walk up a path by my work, I’ve been up this path a few times the last year, mainly to run away ill admit. I remember the past two times before today the most. First time I remember it was snowing and I loved the peace and innocence of the snow, untouched on the fields. I was low but not my lowest. Back then I was still fighting the fight of realising my world at the time was ending. The next time after this I remember going up to a field, crumbling in the middle of it and screaming in pain, I didn’t want to return to anything, never mind the day Job, I still don’t know how I did. Today I walked up there and I looked at the landscape of the fields and trees. I cried again but in the tears I was laughing. Because I realised how far I had come, compared to the other times I remembered.

So if you are going though a hard time, if something isn’t making you happy, if you are sad, if you are lonely, if you are hurt, if you are grieving. Give yourself time.

And when you are ready TALK.

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